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blah. RELAPSE. Well...I feel better...but still NOT completely. Looks like I called victory too early.
Well...I basically just told her that I needed time away from her to fully get over the hurt that is still slightly lingering.
I essentially told her that I needed my space...I wasn't mad at her...and that I'm just still hurting. That being around her made the pain all the more worse.
My biggest concern is two things. Her thinking I'm no longer her friend even though I said otherwise. Her being upset to a point that she hurts herself in some way. She looked slightly upset when I told her this. Not to mention I think I heard her yell "FUCK" when she went back inside. We've talked and she likes me a lot...just that she LOVES her ex still. When she broke up with her ex she smacked her head into a wall cuzz she was so upset and had a concussion. I'm worried that she might do something like that again.
But hell...maybe i'm wrong. Maybe she's actually happy that i'm out of the way now. In which case I'm a fool. lolz. Girls are hard to read. :/
I will say part of me hopes that with my absence she'll see how bad chris actually treats her and maybe comes back to me. Cuzz basically...I was that extra person after she was with chris that would make her feel better and actually help her with the things that he just said no to. Purely simple things. So maybe now that she wont have that anymore...BLAH! BLAH! Thinking that is bad. But the other part of me says...fuck that shit. I dont wanna go through that again.
There's also another part of me that just doesnt want to get into a relationship ever again. This pain is really really hard. Essentially I'm afraid of going through this again...cuzz i've been through it twice before this already. I'm afraid of becoming emotionally attached to another person again. Should I say what I feel? Should I keep silent and protect my heart, but risk losing that person? It's a scary yet beautiful thing to love someone ... and give your heart. You have to trust them with something so precious. Basically the vulnerability that comes with this stuff frightens me. I dont know if I wanna do it again.