elmatto

SOOZ THE HEEH EHT

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:10:00 GMT

You ever mirror an image like they do at the den of evil?
WELL I DID.
And here's what I came up with.

post em' if you got em'!

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 12:01:36 GMT

Ya know what I found funny when I went to church today? It was mainly just the people...and not the church itself.
Our priest was going on about how we should take this day to spread "love and peace" on earth. And yet...I guarantee you everyone in that fucking congregation were probably the very same people who agreed with bush on this war in Iraq when it kick started. I mean...to my knowledge that's definitely NOT love and peace.
And you know what else I find funny about stuff like this. I find it funny that religion is so closely tied to be a right winged affair. But when you look at people like jesus...if he were around today...he definitely would be a tree hugging hippy. Long hair. Unkempt. Preaching love and forgiveness. Hell. He didn't even fight back when people were beating him down and nailing him to a cross. And instead of being all gung ho and like...YOU DAMN NON CHRISTIAN HEATHENS....He was like...forgive them father, for they know not what they do.
That sounds pretty fucking liberal to me.
Tolerance of you friends...and your enemies.
No killin them sand niggers and those damn darkies!
That's not to say i'm all yay liberals. No. Liberals get on my nerves just as much as conservatives. Both are asshats. I'm just saying. If you want to break shit down here...that's how I see it.
But...haha who am i kidding right?
I'm just a Heathen right? No good UN-AMURICAN scum right?
Yeah. Yeah I guess I am.
I don't go to church as often as I should...and I don't read the bible enough. I certainly am a bastard child destined to hell.
And I agree with that. I'm no saint. I'm no faultless person. But really.
Peace and love right?
God damn that is totally left wing bullshit.

Tue, 27 May 2008 04:51:11 GMT

okay. So the transformers movie. Just watched it the other night. I can say one thing. The special effects were killer. They were just so damn good. Most of the time when you see 3d animation composited into a film...your like...that just looks real fake. This...This looked believable on so many levels. I think it has to do with the fact that we're dealing with robots. So it works more than it would have if it was something organic. The over all movie....
It wasn't necessarily a life changing experience. It was just a fun movie. You really enjoy just watching it and witnessing the technical feats. I mean, heh, this is transformers. The concept is already ridiculous anyways. Not much needs to be thought about.
My only gripe was...that I really didn't feel ANYTHING for any of the characters. Sure I mean, I already like optimus prime cuzz he was a part of child hood. The transformers are just cool due to my previouis experiences with them. But like, take away that nostalgia factor....I just didn't feel shit for the human characters and robots. When an autobot died it was like. Oh. Okay. He died. Moving on. Michael bay obviously is not good with the human element in his films. Emotion and feelings have no place here. And when he does throw those elements in...its literally that. He throws them in. So when we lose a character or two, it's like, "Whatever".
See....I like to have that human element in my movies. I like to care about the characters. Comes down to the story telling. And this movie...just moved 90 to nothing all the way through. Even the dialogue. There was no slowing down there either. Just...kept trucking.
SO yeah.
Fun movie. Not much else there.

The shit we do when noones looking.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:44:14 GMT

I!! I surrender to your looooooooove!
And though I´m torn apaaaaaaaaaaaart!
Fresh before my eyeeeeeeeeeeees!
I got a heart full of fire Right NOW!!!!

crazy girl strikes again part 2

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 01:14:26 GMT

So yeah...
parents had let the bitch into our house apparently cuzz she wanted to talk to them. I warned them she has ulterior motives. I WARNED THEM. WEll. I got a text today from a certain number. I wasn't sure who's it was...then i matched it up with passed missed calls from crazy bitch. I about exploded right then and there. Why? I had changed my number the previous month to get her to stop calling me and leave me alone. I proceeded to call my parents and ask them what the hell that was about. Did they giver her my new number out of sympathy? My mom said no, she didn't....but said Melissa had come to visit the other day. She thought some more, then responded, "she may of gone through my phone while I went into the kitchen to grab something".
She called Melissa on her phone and asked her about this. MELISSA SAID I CALLED HER APPARENTLY, THAT'S HOW SHE GOT MY NEW NUMBER.
Yeah...sure I did Melissa. You pathological liar. There is no log on my phone that says I called you. Nor did I ever message you or respond to your e-mails in the past 2 months.
SHE WENT THROUGH MY MOMS PHONE, WITHOUT HER KNOWING.
I know this is true, cuzz she did it to her ex boyfriends phone when she was freaking out about him seeing other girls. Actually stole it from him, and surfed through it.

OH MY GOD. SOMEONE FUCKING SET HER ABLAZE. PLEASE.

My letter to the bitch that I dated for 3 days back home.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 02:22:36 GMT

I was going to say this to you over the phone....but since we're switching services and I've sent my phone off....I'll have to do it here. You'd probably hang up on me anyways. I've had time to reflect on everything that has happened over the past 2 months...and I'm just gonna be honest and blunt. I don't feel for you like i used to. There's nothing there anymore. You're not the kind of person I like to hang out with. Every time you call me, I look at the phone and remember all the shit I've been through with you. All the bad crap that has happened. I get an awful taste in my mouth and I just don't want that anymore. There was the entire situation with your ex and all the drama I didn't want any part of. How you swooned me into selling my shit and then you taking the money. How you borrowed two of my movies and lost them both, returning one. How I spent copious amounts of money on you and all I got in return was being tossed around like a rag doll of unimportance. How you took 20 dollars of my Christmas money and spent it giving me back 5 dollars the following day. You said you'd pay me back. But you never did. You toy'd with my head on so many levels constantly. And it hurt a lot. You would say "I think I'm going to go back out with you again"...and then the following day "No I'm not going to go out with you". You played with my mind so often and said so many things that I just didn't believe anything that came out of your mouth anymore. Yeah. All of this stuff is material possessions...but once they keep happening over and over again...that shit adds up.And yeah. Part of it was my fault for being too nice and not speaking up. But even so, You should of known from the get go, that the things you did are things friends don't do to each other. Friends trust each other. And after the first month with you, I didn't trust you one bit. I would hide my cash, and my belongings from you. You can be mad at me all you want for this...but I'm not at fault here. All I ever did was try to be nice to you...and I got shafted in return. I should of followed through when I tried to break it off before...but I didn't. You know why I decided to leave right? Cuzz I didn't want to be a part of all the date drama anymore. It's all you ever talked about. And it got old. I should of broke off all contacts on my birthday when we stopped dating. So you can stop calling me. We're done. We're through. Nothing will ever be between us, friendship or otherwise. Respond if you want to this, I don't care...because I wont be looking at it.

And thus...the end.

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:24:23 GMT

Oy that was fucking hard to do.
Basically I was telling that girl tonight that I needed some time away from her because I was going to be going back to school. I was just fooling myself into thinking that I didnt want something more from her when I was hanging out. I needed to get over her so that I could go back to school not feeling like utter shit. Of course she put on the puppy dog eyes and what not but ya know...I stood my ground. Personally...I've gotten tired of all this ex drama she's been throwing at me. I dont want to hear how he gave her hickies or how they're fuck buddies and what they did that night. I dont wanna hear that shit ya know? It pisses me off cuzz I sat by her and consoled her through when her ex pissed her off and made her upset. I put up with all this crap she threw at me cuzz I was understanding of her situation...and the one time I ask her to UNDERSTAND me...she gets all mad and tries to make ME feel bad about doing this. SELFISH. IMMATURE. GIRL.
But I didnt budge like I said. I talked to her...told her what was up...then we parted ways. HOWEVER...the hardest part that really did get to me was when I did tell her that I wanted to get over her so that we could hang out again before i went back to school. When I told her that again and went to tell her good bye she hugged me and I could feel her doing those little hick-ups people do when they're trying to not cry. Tugged at my heart strings a bit. But still...I stood my ground.
I'm just tired of her playing this game of tug and pull. One minute she's telling me how much she likes me and what not...and the next she's saying how she doesnt wanna date cuzz she still wants to go out with chris.
FUCK THAT SHIT. For those of you who have read my previous posts...and know how long this has been going on...I can only put up with that crap for so long. I just cant take it anymore. Fuck it ya know? Breaking this wierd shit off here and now is good.
I BE BACK BITCHES.

What Do You Have To Say? - Warning:

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 23:47:40 GMT

If you came with a warning label, what would it say?

View 501 Answers

Warning: thats not mud

SPRINGFIELD

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 02:44:00 GMT

I've noticed that not many of my springfield friends have posted many entries lately? You guys alright? D:
Course...I guess with me EMO'in it up...that's to be expected. lol. But hey. I'm bettah nao. And I aint lying this time. I talked about all these thoughts of mine with my parents and my psychologist...and I think things are a bit more in perspective now. I feel like I have the confidence to do things now that I couldnt before. *cough cough girls cough cough* ANYWAYS. I'm looking forward to coming back down and hanging with everyone in Springfield again.
CANT WAIT GUYS! :D

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 10:10:55 GMT

the e-mails about someone being from a rich african country or something make me lol.

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 10:47:25 GMT

Ah yes.
Back to the life of the romanticized loner. Nights in front of the computer. No phone calls. Empty car rides. Back to the way things used to be. To make things even stranger was I got to see a girl I really liked in high school stop by the deli. God. Just seeing her again made my heart flutter a bit. Asked her what she'd been up to and what not. Just like high school all over again. Me being alone and wishing for something I cant have.
Sometimes I sit and think that I'm living in the wrong kind of place, like I don't belong. Everything I am is the exact opposite to what is. I mean. I dont feel qualified for this kind of stuff. Relationships and what have you. Beyond my physique and art...theres really nothing else there. I do not have anything that can keep women interested. I'm too nice to begin with. I help too much. I have no back bone to speak of. I'm just a doormat I guess. Welcoming anyone in, only to be stepped on.
I mean...I have NO sexual experience to speak of...I don't even know how to satisfy a woman to begin with. Thats more important to me than me getting my dick wet. Jeezus it's like, hello, I'm a loser...would you like to date? Yeah. no.
When others look to the future I bet they can say...oh it'll happen for me eventually. All I see is...me and art. Well...and possibly a cat too. But I really don't see myself being with anyone. I mean...yeah. I want love...but I dont think I'll be that lucky.
Good thing I feel comfortable with being a loner. I mean...shit like this bothers me a little bit...but...ya know...not enough for me to really care in the long run I suppose.
Pathetic yes...but oh well.
My entries of late have been full of wierd shit.
You'd think I'm looking for sympathy...but...I'M ACTUALLY JUST DIVULGING MY THOUGHTS FOR ME AND MY PSYCHOLOGIST TO GO OVER.

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 08:38:13 GMT

Letting go of all this girl related stuff has been quite the task of late.That's why my entries have been sort of up and down. I apologize for that.
I'm a lot better off now than I ever was weeks ago. I dunno if its cuzz the fact that I thought I had something...or its the fact that this relationship has followed through the exact same way the other two did. I dunno. All I DO know...is that I find it rather strange that I feel at home in the situation I've returned to. I feel a sort of happiness in my loneliness. It's a sort of enjoyment of looking at couples and seeing how far away that kind of sensation feels. I enjoy to wear this kind of loner existence on my head like some kind of scarlet letter. Call it dramatic...call it whatever...All I know is that it seems I enjoy feeling this way toward myself. It's as almost that I enjoy being hard on myself. I enjoy that cynical negative outlook of seeing myself as a hopeless cause.
I mean...I guess this is to be expected...considering my entire life I've been ignored by the female masses. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel at home being only seen and nothing more. As the picture illustrates...I feel at home in that kind of scenario(same one i experienced the other day). Wierd. I know. I mean...there is a sadness I experience like any normal human would. That's to be expected. But at the same time there is a sort of comfort.
I guess I've just become accustomed to it.
This all sounds pretty emo when you read it...but I'm actually quite content among it.

TODAY at work was rather fucking busy.
I dunno If any of you have ever worked with a coworker who was about as useful as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. I pretty much ran the boat today...and shes been there a hell of a lot longer than I have. I have to show her how to do things she should already know. Believe me...dealing with customers...cleaning...cutting meat....answering the phone...doing all of that by yourself while helping a dimwit is rather overbearing. I felt like I wanted to scream.
Anyways. yeah.
um.
boo.

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 09:59:14 GMT

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

ha. dunno bout all that. Bit too much on the positives.

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 05:53:43 GMT

If there's one place I like going to to think, it's to dah park.
S'where I went the other night to think a bit and what not. Fucking cold outside it was. Windy too. BUT ANYWAYS. Basically...I've just had lots on my mind regarding this entire friendship with this girl. On one hand she said she's been thinking about going back out with me again. Still hangs around her ex. My patience is starting to wear thin with all this crap. Not the whole relationship thing. I'm just run down from keeping myself emotionally distant. Unfortunately for me I'm too nice to really say much about anything. It's a good thing thanksgiving is next week. I'll get to hang out with my friends and stuff.
But yeah. This girl is fucking stupid. I think I've decided. Fuck this shit. I'll still hang with her. But if she wants to get back together. NO is my answer. If she can't see that the guy is a loser...and that the relationship she wants out of him isnt going to happen...then she's just a goddamn stupid girl who needs to grow up. All that relationship is, is sexual. Enjoy your aids. lulz.
But yeah. It was funny cuzz the cops came down to see what the hell i was doing in the park at 11 pm.
IN OTHER NEWS. John at work dropped the sliding glass window to the hot case in our deli (the hotcase is where we hold fried chicken and stuff like that). I lol'd hardily because it shattered all over the place. Then he later slipped in the kitchen, and eventually burned himself on the plastic wrap machine. I made fun of him for a long while because of how bad a day he was having.
I dont know if any of you have worked in a deli or food place. But we have slicers that cut meat and stuff. We have to clean them by the end of the night and what not. It takes a lot of time to do it...and requires lots of safety. Thats why we do it at night since we arent busy and close. NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE HATE LATE SHOPPERS. We arent allowed to refuse customers. So when someone today showed up wanting freshly sliced roast beef after I had JUST finished cleaning the slicer. I literally wanted to reach over the meat case and strangle him with all my might. Why matt? It's just meat!
YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. ROAST BEEF IS BY FAR ONE OF THE MESSIEST MEATS TO FUCKING CUT. IT GETS EVERYWHERE.
John actually did it for me cuzz he knew how pissed off I was. lol.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 11:01:51 GMT

toda...er...YESTERDAY was interesting...in that I was woke up at 8 am by Melissa and her ex. I remember my phone ringing...then I fell back a sleep. Then my house phone rang about an hour later. I fell back asleep. Then the door bell kept ringing...for a long while...over and over. So i threw on my work out pants and ran upstairs half asleep. To see who it was. I guess part of me was suprised...while another part wasn't. But either way, I lol'd.
SO yeah. Anyways...A more interesting part of today was when melissa came up to my work place with her ex and Dominic. What made it interesting was that Dominic hates her ex...like...pretty much every person I've talked to that knows Melissa. But yeah...strange to see a guy who openly wants to kick her ex's ass hanging out with him. More interesting is what came next.
I guess allowing her time with her ex as I said before sort of opened her eyes a bit. She said she's wanting to date me again.
OY. NOW WHAT. MATTS CONFUSED. ALSO.
PAXIL HAS ELIMINATED MAH LIBIDO. TIME TO STOP THAT MEDICATION.

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 04:00:01 GMT

Why is it that obese customers always seem to be the most grumpy?
But yeah...I dunno what this ladies problem was...She wanted some big packs of mashed potatoes or something that I'd never heard of. She was just being a complete and utter bitch about it too.
But yeah...basically working at this deli is just fucking hard work though. I'm not exaggerating when I say this...but I'm literally working for 8 hours straight. Standing for 8 hours straight. Just straight work. I mean that sincerely. I only get 2 15 minute breaks during the day. Which feel like a god send when I do get them. But yeah. Hard work. Even harder dealing with grumpy customers. I don't get it. They're mad because we don't have their food? Wtf? I don't get mad cuzz they aren't wearing a corset to conceal those 5 rolls of fat on their stomach. Why the hell should they be mad at us for not carrying a food item?
I think i'm gonna start doodling images like this for little events from my day whenever i post an entry. They're quick and fun.

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 07:04:15 GMT

*takes a deep breath*
okay.
I'm finally over all this.
Now that my heads back on straight...I'll give you all the low down on the situation. Basically, now, I've done enough distancing that being around the girl and her ex doesnt bother me anymore. It feels more like...when your best friend is hanging out with his girlfriend or something. Ya just dont care anymore. But basically...this girl is hanging around her ex a lot, holding on to the small thread of hope that he's going to hook back up with her and start dating again. But basically they're fuck buddies right now...er...WERE anyways. Go figure. Meanwhile...I'm just a friend off to the side who hangs out with her occasionally...which is cool. It's in this situation that I have truely understood the phrase "nice guys finish last". Her ex...all he does is piss her off and make her stressed out. She tows his ass around everywhere cuzz he doesnt have a car. She asks for gas money and he wont give it. He makes her spend money on him on her birthday. He gets in her face for her hanging around a guy that he hates.
WHAT A WINRAR.
But whatever. At THIS point in time she's not doin' the dirty with him anymore. Basically said that she doesnt want to be a fuck buddy anymore. If he wants to fuck they'll have to be dating. SO NOW this is where its at. I figure...unless he truly does get back with her...things are going to get really messy in the next few days.
To be honest...this shit is juicy as hell. It's like a soap opera or something. Juicy juicy drama.
In the mean time she's also flirting with me...but every time she does I just close myself off even more...hoping she'll get the idea eventually and just stop. It's hard to say if I really even feel anything for her anymore. Besides being a friend a mean. I'm trying to become cold on the inside so I don't fall back into the trap I did a week ago. I don't want that again. That shit hurt. But yeah...basically I force myself to remember all that when she starts to pull that shit on me.
But yeah...basically this entire situation is all sorts of fucked up. I just kind of sit on the side line and smile. I'll let her figure everything out for herself, even though at the same time I feel sorry for her. She's essentially digging her own grave even though she doesn't realize it yet.
If she does end up getting back with him...hey...I'm happy for her. If not. Then I dunno what to say for her. She already told me if it doesn't work out between her and her ex she'd move on to me...mr. second banana. That makes me feel oh so wonderful. The cynical side of me wants to be a dick and break it off if that happens...while mr. nice matt wants to give it a second go. At this point in time...I'd be perfectly content with the first.

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 22:45:38 GMT

lol
U guys may be wondering y i dont comment much on your journals. Well...I just took EBAUMS off my friends list. They update so much I dont get to see your guys's stuff. I was just lazy when it came to changing that. WEll..Nows I can see your guys posts again.

lol cried wolf

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 09:07:59 GMT

blah. RELAPSE. Well...I feel better...but still NOT completely. Looks like I called victory too early.
Well...I basically just told her that I needed time away from her to fully get over the hurt that is still slightly lingering.
I essentially told her that I needed my space...I wasn't mad at her...and that I'm just still hurting. That being around her made the pain all the more worse.
My biggest concern is two things. Her thinking I'm no longer her friend even though I said otherwise. Her being upset to a point that she hurts herself in some way. She looked slightly upset when I told her this. Not to mention I think I heard her yell "FUCK" when she went back inside. We've talked and she likes me a lot...just that she LOVES her ex still. When she broke up with her ex she smacked her head into a wall cuzz she was so upset and had a concussion. I'm worried that she might do something like that again.
But hell...maybe i'm wrong. Maybe she's actually happy that i'm out of the way now. In which case I'm a fool. lolz. Girls are hard to read. :/

I will say part of me hopes that with my absence she'll see how bad chris actually treats her and maybe comes back to me. Cuzz basically...I was that extra person after she was with chris that would make her feel better and actually help her with the things that he just said no to. Purely simple things. So maybe now that she wont have that anymore...BLAH! BLAH! Thinking that is bad. But the other part of me says...fuck that shit. I dont wanna go through that again.
There's also another part of me that just doesnt want to get into a relationship ever again. This pain is really really hard. Essentially I'm afraid of going through this again...cuzz i've been through it twice before this already. I'm afraid of becoming emotionally attached to another person again. Should I say what I feel? Should I keep silent and protect my heart, but risk losing that person? It's a scary yet beautiful thing to love someone ... and give your heart. You have to trust them with something so precious. Basically the vulnerability that comes with this stuff frightens me. I dont know if I wanna do it again.

LOOK UP IN THE SKY

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 09:33:28 GMT

things are a lot better now. I've emotionally detached myself from this girl...and I'm able to just hang out with her as normal. Which I like...cuzz she's fun. It just makes me sad that she wants to date such a loser. She told me that she thinks she's ugly and stuff...apparently her friends and ex and what not dont tell her enough that she's not. I love making people smile. I get off more on that than I do looking at porn lolz. So just telling her otherwise was awesome. I may not have any emotional attachment to her anymore...but that doesnt mean I can't make her feel good about herself. Cuzz she really is pretty. She doesnt load herself up with makeup like most girls. She's real. Thats what is most attractive about her. Thats why I was hurtin so bad when we broke it off.
But yeah...I really just enjoy making friends happy and helping them out. I enjoy that warm feeling that comes from it ya know? So I really enjoy helping her out. She probably thought I was trying to win her back and what not...and I wasn't...but i honestly just want to make her happy. Because...honestly...she isnt enough. It's really a hard motive to explain. I dunno what it is about helping...but I just like to do it. Spring you know what i'm talking about. You remember when you were kind of emo about the whole fireball thing for a while, and I just talked to ya for a bit. I generally love doing that stuff.
This is probably one of the best experiences I've ever had in my life. Beyond all the physical successes of track and weight lifting...beyond my art. There's something deeper here that being among this girl has really helped me to grow as a person. Even though some of it hurt...it's really just helped me overcome a lot of...well...myself.

I'm better now

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 10:14:32 GMT

Since my wrecked emotional state forced my creative skills to take a high point...as it usually does....busting out that drawing last night at 6:30 in the morning helped me a lot. Sitting under that lamp and lightly sketching myself as I was in the mirror really relaxed me...and helped me to soul search for a bit. It was quite nice. Well...listening to Billy Joel's, and so it goes helped a lot too. I could really connect with it ya know...Here's a link to the song if you're curious:
http://elmatto.aftervision.com/09%20And%20So%20It%20Goes.mp3
I knew I shouldn't of...but me and that girl are friends and hanging out and stuff. Too bad I'm too nice. But... I honestly after today don't feel anything for her anymore. HOWEVER...it doesn't help that she keeps flirting with me for some weird reason. It's like...come on...do you want me or not. Stop playing mind games.
But I guess it's better...cuzz before when she played around with me I felt enchanted. Now it just feels like nothing really. There's this really weird calm over my soul for some reason.
So yeah. Everythings better now.
the picture i'm talking about...btw...if you havent already seen it on my deviantart page...is this:

and yes...I was wearing a hoodie in doors at 6 in the morning. lol

man...goddammit

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 01:25:49 GMT

Okay.
Let me explain.
Basically...mah last post was just me self reflecting. Why?
Well, I'm werkin at price chopper in the deli, and since I started there there was this girl that was constantly flirting with me. I didn't even know she even liked me up until a few days ago. So yeah. I hung out with her and her friend D, who was an awesomely cool dude. Anyways, We hung out and D suggested we go out cuzz she wanted to and yada yada. I was like, Fuck yea! FINALLY. SO we basically had a relationship for a few days, and cut it off the other night. Story of my goddamn life. Every girl I meet the relationship lasts all of a couple of days. But why did this happen? Basically she told me over the past couple of days that she had just broken off from a 10 month relationship and still liked her ex, but at the same time liked me. I comforted her yada yada...was nice to her, hardly talked about myself and listened to her. ya know. I was fucking concerned for her. Told her that I liked her, but that I didnt want her to date me if she felt like she had to. Her life, she should do what she thought was right. She said that basically she was put on the spot with D when he mentioned it. God I was nice to her. I met her ex the other day. He's a Fucking loser. Through and through.
She of course said that she was confused and didnt wanna date, but she was constantly talking about her ex...sending him messages and had me hang out with him and her the other day. Basically she's gonna go back out with him. I can fucking tell. I mean, Jeez....I understand completely. I wanted her to do what felt right to her. I just wanted her to be happy is all.
God dammit. Why is this shit never fair. I'm nice to her, buy her shit and its just ya know...she's basically using me to get her ex boyfriend jealous. I'm the goddamn middle man. Thats the way it was last time too. I'm just a piece of meat I guess. I was sentimental to her problems and struggles with getting over her ex...I mean...I understand completely whats going on. I told her that. I mean for fucks sake...I got fucking teary eyed every time I sat and listened to her and talked to her.
God dammit. Whatever. I'm gonna go work out. I give up on this shit. I'll be better off single anyways. I'm tired of being the middleman all the time. Every time I think I have something I dont. The relationships I have had arent goddamn relationships. They're nothing.
Why can't I just be a sex hungry male like everyone else? Why do I gotta be a closet romantic? It's just...for the first time in my life nothing else seemed to matter. Before I would always go and do my own thing, living like a zombie...then suddenly there's this spark in my life. Things seem to have purpose. All of my anxiety problems left when I met her.
Fucking dammit. I really enjoyed this girl. She was awesome.
I mean...on one hand...I feel a bit of resentment to her for involving me with her other boyfriends...but on the other end I'm sentimental to her problems and what not.
I'm not angry at her.
I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I'm not good at this stuff. I'm angry that I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing.

<3

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 05:52:45 GMT

Anxiety problems are all pretty much done and gone.
But man.
I'm probably gonna be single mah whole life. Bein shy and insecure sux. D:
LE SIGH.....
oh well.
emo moment over.
I'll get over it. I've pretty much lived liek this for as long as I can remember. Life goes on.I usually get like this occasionally every now and then. That longing for companionship just kind of bites ya in the ass every now and then...like an annoying mosquito .
No biggie. Imma work on mah comics nao guys. Have a good night ya'll.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 04:31:51 GMT

still drawing for those curious.

still gotta clean this one up a bit and finish it still tho.

still still still still still still

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:26:31 GMT

SO how are things down in springfield my friendly springfieldiens????